A Funny Joke Redux

Leon of Secret Geek fame posted an insightful thought on how to improve Microsoft's love-it-or-hate-it Ribbon made famous in Office 2007. Not to make light of his excellent post, but he also made a funny joke at the end. In case you didn't make it that far:

Q: Why did the retired mathematician sell his blackboard?

A: Because he had nothing left to prove.

Hmmmmm. While technically funny this joke seems to need a little help in the delivery. Let's see if the HA! HA! Guy can help.

Ahem. Why did the retired mathematician sell his blackboard?



[If you're still having a hard time finding the giggles, it helps if you stare at His teeth.]

You Don't get Caught if you Forge Twenties!

This one is too easy:

Alexander D. Smith, 31, was charged with disorderly conduct and two counts of forgery after he walked into the bank and tried to open an account by depositing a fake $1 million bill, said Aiken County Sheriff's spokesman Lt. Michael Frank.

Hopefully his bill looked a little better than mine. Everyone wants a piece of this story. And why not? I mean, this guy is a certified idiot. Grover Cleveland?!? Puh-leeze! Props to these guys for some actual information on the story.

Noodles Madnesss!

Sent to us by Maureen, a devout Pastafarian. Unfortunately, His noodly goodness was cut off in this picture, but you can see His appendage off to the side.

Do you have a HA! HA! you'd like to share? Send us your HA! HA! Guy pictures!

Thanks for the Feedback!!

An anonymous reader had a few choice words for the HA! HA! Guy from the post on Funky Nasty Reusable Tamps the other day:

Even you colonials...such men! I bet you still send your women to "red tents," don't you. Well, without us women and yes our bloody tamps you wouldn't even exist. So blow chunks at that. And for the record...this is a pad, not a tampon.

Looks like someone was feeling a little bloated. The HA! HA! Guy and the staff of The Daily Quaker! would like to sincerely apologize and issue this article amendment: Funky Nasty Reusable Female Pads are kind of gross.

We love comments and appreciate every last one so please, keep them coming.

I Love my 'Bot!!

"HUMANS will be marrying and having sex with robots by 2050, an artificial intelligence researcher has claimed." David Levy, a Netherlands University student studying human-robot relationships, and Ronald Arkin of the Georgia Institute of Technology in Atlanta recently spoke with The Daily Quaker! about the future of robots and how they will interact with humans.

The Daily Quaker: That seems kind of icky. Won't people make fun of me for doin' it with my robot?

David Levy, Netherlands university student: At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky, but once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot and it was great!' appear in a magazine like Cosmo, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon.

TDQ: Ok. So assuming I won't be mocked by my peers if I were to do it with my robot, let's say I dig my 'bot But I'm a strict Catholic. What's a guy to do?

DL: Massachusetts would be the first jurisdiction to legalise human-robot marriage. Massachusetts is more liberal than most other jurisdictions in the United States and has been at the forefront of same-sex marriage.

TDQ: I live in Massachusetts and I have legally married my robot. But what if my robot doesn't want to have sex with me?

DL: Another reason people are more likely to fall in love is if they know the other person likes them, and that's programmable too.

TDQ: I'm no lawyer but that sounds like robots rape.

Ronald Arkin, roboticist: Just because it's not legal doesn't mean people won't try it.

I must say that it is great to hear that the world will avoid the robotic anti-utopia predicted by The Matrix trilogy.

Black Friday!

Do your due diligence. Consume everything you can. Go crazy. Save the America economy from the throws of depression. We aren't communists. We're capitalists! It's all up to you so don't hold back!!

And while you're busy out shopping, don't forget that this is the only place you can get the one of a kind, exclusive HA! HA! Guy Whiteboard! It's dead simple to shop online and the 'board will even come right to your house.

Happy Thanksgiving

Eat. Sleep. Eat. Puke. Eat. mmmmmm...Turkey.

Mile High Extraveganza!

If you're going to join the mile high club, don't get caught!

A passenger said the couple was fooling around and decided to go into the bathroom.

"The people in the aisle, across the aisle from us were messing around in their seat and then they decided to go to the bathroom and fool around," said passenger Jessica Smith. "And then they threatened the flight attendant."

The plane was diverted and the pair of would be assassins were removed from the plane. Canoodling on a plane is one thing. Threatening a flight attendant because you were an idiot and got caught is about as dumb as it gets.

Green is not Always Clean

Used tamps are nasty. Reusable tamps make me want to vomit.

If you don’t want to deal with the hassle of selecting a costly reusable alternative and have a bit of a crafter in you, then maybe it’s time to join the hand-made revolution and re-assert your creativity (and to redefine “rag”) by picking out some funky, colourful, pretty fabrics and to make your very own menstrual pads tailored for you (while remembering that not so long along, reusable rags were once commonly used by women).

Fewer Guns Reduces Crime. Maybe.

Effectiveness of D.C. gun ban still a mystery:

In 1977, the first full year of the ban, the city recorded 192 homicides. The total rose to 223 in 1981, then fell to 147 in 1985 - the lowest annual homicide toll in the District since 1966. At the time, the rate for the country also was trending down.

Which turned out to be the calm before the slaughter.

The advent of the crack market and the unprecedented street violence it unleashed nationwide sent homicide rates soaring in the latter half of the 1980s. Not only did the number of killings surge in the District, the homicide rates here also far exceeded the rates in crack-ridden cities where handguns had not been banned.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

HA! HA! He Said Wiener!!

Random, I know.

HA! HA! Guy Whiteboards are Premium

This query comes to the HA! HA! Guy from an ad we ran on fark earlier this year.

Not being snarky...but a genuine question

...is it a laminated piece of paper? Kind of like a place mat? Because I've seen white"boards" that turn out to be such. I was not a fan.

--
SwallowTheKnife

If you are still in doubt, check out the profile images on the samples page.

During preliminary product testing it was discovered that HA! HA! Whiteboards could fly across the room and hurt roommates and girlfriends. The HA! HA! Guy Whiteboard is sturdy and is certainly worthy of the HA! HA! Guy.

Traffic Stinks. Like Pickles.

I-95 was annihilated by a trucker high on PCP, packing heat...in the form of
pickled peppers:

An overturned tractor trailer on Interstate 95 yesterday morning left the driver injured and in jail, and hundreds of commuters in a pickle.

Yuk Yuk!

Sgt. F.L. Tyler of the state police said the driver, Van Kimball Lewis, 35, was charged with driving under the influence of drugs, namely PCP, after he fought rescue workers and police officers who tried to get him out of the cab, where he was pinned in the overturned truck.

...

Tyler said the crash happened about 10:15 a.m. when the truck was traveling at a high rate of speed southbound down a hill in the left lane of I-95.

It came up close to a Honda Civic and veered left on the shoulder, sideswiping the car and hitting the guardrail. The truck turned onto its side, spilling "bottled condiments" such as pickles and jalapeño peppers, Tyler said.

Story courtesy of The Free Lance Star.

The HA! HA! Guy's New Favorite Sport

Chess Boxing is the perfect combination of brains and brawns. The HA! HA! Guy was world feather weight checker boxing champion in 1832, but had to retire early because his teeth were knocked out forcing him to wear dentures for the rest of his life. You can learn more about this modern twist of the sport at the World Chess Boxing Organization's official website.

Clinton is a Dirty Politician

Democratic presidential nomination hopeful Hillary Clinton plants questions in all town hall style meetings. The real kicker is that she got caught this time.

"After her speech, Clinton accepted questions. But according to Grinnell College student Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff ’10, some of the questions from the audience were planned in advance. 'They were canned,' she said. Before the event began, a Clinton staff member approached Gallo-Chasanoff to ask a specific question after Clinton’s speech. 'One of the senior staffers told me what [to ask],' she said.

The question Muriel asked went like this:

Question: "As a young person, I'm worried about the long-term effects of global warming How does your plan combat climate change?

Clinton: "Well, you should be worried. You know, I find as I travel around Iowa that it's usually young people that ask me about global warming."

Why is it usually young people that ask this question? Because you pay them to ask you!

Have HA! HA!, Will Travel

Liz, while visiting Portland, was taking advantage of the great public transportation the city offers when she noticed that her sack lunch was leaking, a very sad and distressing situation indeed.

But, add a dash of HA! HA! Guy, and Liz found that she was able to laugh at an otherwise awful situation.


You too can experience the magic of the HA! HA! Guy.

GM $39 Billion in the Hole

Apparently, it's all in the bookkeeping:

General Motors reported a $39 billion third quarter loss yesterday, the largest in the company's history. The huge loss was the result of GM taking $38.6 billion non-cash charge, indicating a higher risk of a slow turn around that could prevent the automaker from claiming expected future tax credits.

GM stated that it took the charge due to losses in the United States and Canada over the last three years, as well as Germany through the most recent quarter. The automaker also blamed the charge on "ongoing weakness" at finance company and former subsidiary GMAC.

They just finished dealing with a strike, can't compete with higher quality Japanese vehicles, and failed to predict the housing market would bust even though contractors were building more houses than there were people and interest rates were allowing people to buy houses beyond their means. Maybe this is just a bad turn of luck for GM...or maybe they just build butt fugly cars.



Tough call.

US Immigrations Agents are Easily Offended, but Only if you Complain

So the story goes like this. Some buddies at the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency went to a Halloween party hosted by Julie Myers, their boss. Halloween parties can be fairly stressful as an adult. The night isn't so much about candy and cheap thrills as it is about impressing your friends with your witty and clever costume. And of course they are going to judge you and decide whether to remain your friend based on your ability to entertain them with your amazing costume.

Anyway, one guy shows up to the Immigration and Customs Enforcement party dressed in prison garb and dreads and painted black face. This guy probably thinks he's making an extremely clever commentary on how awful prison reform in the United States is or something. Meanwhile, Julie Myers and her panel of regionally famous costume judges award this fellow "Most Original Costume" and pose for pictures.

The night is going great.

Until someone realizes that the white guy covered in makeup wearing a jumpsuit is actually kind of offensive.

A department photographer took a picture of Myers with the man, but the photograph or photographs, originally posted online, were deleted after it was determined the costume was offensive.

Some folks just have a hard time figuring out when to be offended in this crazy mixed up world. Luckily Julie's support staff was able to bail her out before things went to far. The guy with the bad judgment was asked to take a vacation

On Academic Papers, Rejected :(

Dear HA! HA! Guy,

I recently submitted a paper to a journal that I started working on in the fall of 2005. It took less than three hours after I submitted it for the editor to reject it. Should I try and submit it to another journal, or just figure that this record-breaking rejection time is a sign?

Thanks,

West

The End of Daylight Savings

If you're finding out that you were supposed to change your clock from the HA! HA! Guy, you've got some serious organizational problems!

Who is the HA! HA! Guy?

Legend has it that The HA! HA! Guy or Laughing Quaker burst on to the Internet mid-2003 on the Something Awful forums during one of the site's regular Photoshop contests. The original Forbes' advertisement was modified to read "I'm Using THE INTERNET!!!1" in a witty play of sarcastic humor.


Soon after, the HA! HA! Guy migrated to the Fark.com forums where his brief nuggets of humor helped lighten the highly flammable Fark atmosphere, as a breath of minty fresh air smooths the ruffled edges of awkward conversation. It didn't take long for the HA! HA! Guy to reach celebrity status on the forums and the Internet at large.

It was around this time that the HA! HA! Guy's fame began to impede the rights of others. During his peak, the Laughing Quaker would pop up in almost every thread, much to the dismay of serious Farkers and administrators. Some members were even banned for spreading the joy of the HA! HA! Guy. This period became known as 'The Grey Wave'.

In an attempt to permanently extinguish the HA! HA! Guy's celebrity flame, Fark administrators started the now legendary thread: "Put your HA!HA! guy pictures in this thread and stop threadjacking the rest of them". Rather than over popularizing the cliché as hoped, this thread only served to strengthen the HA! HA! Guy's resolve. Thread number 1578737 become one of the most popular threads in Fark history.

The HA! HA! Guy, loved for his humor and brevity in the most mundane and random situations, has again returned to true form embodied in the future of door and cube enhancements. The HA! HA! Guy Whiteboard is your ticket to a new world, one unshackled from the demands of flowery diplomacy and tact. This Utopian future can be yours any time, any place with your purchase of a HA! HA! Guy Whiteboard.

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